Oops! My Bad...

So, I know as soon as my husband reads that title, he is going to shake his head at me and say, "really?" but I think it's appropriate :) I have been trying to figure out what to write since Christmas because what I want to say is deeply personal but it is what I have been thinking about with the ringing of the New Year. After careful consideration and prayer, I decided to go ahead and write what I'm feeling. If there is someone out there that is going through this and feels as though they are not alone because of it or if you are able to be there for someone after reading it, it is worth it. Please forgive me if this seems to jump around.

This holiday season I did a lot of reflection. I know it sounds incredibly sad to say that this New Year was the first time in a few  years I have felt a true sense of hope but it's pretty much true. Justin and I decided to start trying for a family 4 years ago. After about a year, we realized it wasn't going to be as easy as we thought. To say last holiday season was difficult for me, is an understatement. We had gone through the treatments and experienced the loss of them not working and I could not help but see the 36 times we had felt let down since we decided to start trying staring me in the face. This year, as I reflected about how it was so different from before, I realized all of the things that infertility steals from a person and how putting my faith in God and allowing my heart to be open to a different type of picture allowed me to get them back. So here goes...

Infertility steals your ability to enjoy going anywhere. Everytime I left the house I felt like there were pregnant women and babies. It was as if all of the women around me were pregnant.

Infertility steals your ability to feel true joy for your friends. I remember counting the number of friends that were having babies. It felt like everytime I got online there were pictures of sonograms for facebook profile pictures, everytime I went to work or talked to a friend someone else was announcing they were pregnant. Although I was happy for them, it made me fall deeper into sadness which then made me mad because I knew I should just feel joy for them.

Infertility steals your friends. Your friends can sense that their news isn't going to be easy to hear and that makes them hesitant to tell you. You become the last to know because they don't know what to say. You are told "I don't know how to tell you this..." and that makes your heart hurt because you want your friends to want to tell you but at the same time you don't want to hear it.Even those friends that were struggling with getting pregnant themselves, once they become pregnant you feel like saying "there goes another one, am I really the only one dealing with this?" It can make you feel more alone than anything you can imagine. You also lose friends because they don't know what to say. Instead of feeling support,  you feel abandoned but it is kind of like when a friend loses a husband or dear friend- you don't know if you should bring it up or not (I can't say what to do here, it is different for everyone and every friendship/relationship).

Infertility steals control over your body. You become hypersensitive to everything that happens and you read WAY too much into every little symptom. Badgering yourself until you make yourself feel crazy but you can't help it at the same time. I'm nauseous, I'm tired, I'm cranky, I'm emotional...  you start to almost create symptoms for yourself, which in itself is a little crazy.

Infertility steals your ability to be logical- (see the paragraph above!!)

Infertility steals time. Your life is suddenly completely involved in counting days that have passed and instead of enjoying those days, your thoughts become consumed in when you'll know for that month.

Infertility can steal your relationship. Justin and I were blessed to sidestep this one but I can see how easily it can happen. One or both of you can become obsessed with the prospect of getting pregnant and suddenly everything in your lives is wrapped in that instead of focused on God and each other. A very scary thought to me when I think of how easily that could have happened.

Please don't use this entry as a reason to feel sorry for me. Through faith, prayer, great friends, and an amazing husband- I have overcome all of those emotions and habits and I feel more alive, hopeful, encouraged, and blessed than I have felt in a LONG time. Allowing myself to open my heart and my eyes to the plan God has for us and knowing that I am never alone through Him, is what ultimately led us to adoption. God has used this difficult time in our lives to strengthen our marriage, build our faith, and bring a child to America to be a part of our family. Please use this entry to be there for a friend or family member that may be going through this. Please use this entry to understand and have empathy for those that are still stuck in that roller coaster and to pray for them. 2011 is going to be an amazing year for Justin and  I, whether our adoption is finalized or not (although we prefer it is :) ) because we have each other, we are free from the binds of infertility, and because we have opened ourselves up to be filled with God's spirit and purpose. Love you all!