Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Feeling Selfish
So I haven't posted in awhile... in all honesty I was hoping to be able to make the next post all about how they have resolved everything in Ethiopia and we were back on track. Not going to happen. Since finding out more about the changes in the number of referrals (cutting back by 90%) I have been able to stay strong and faithful and haven't really had any issues. Everyones reactions have been "I'm so sorry!" and to be honest, my thoughts were "For what? We knew there would be delays, this is no big deal, they'll get it resolved." After listening to a conference call held by our adoption agency, here's how I've been feeling the past 2 days...
I know that everything happens in God's timing and that there is a reason in His plan for all of this but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to feel so close and then realize how far. I'm kind of stuck in an "it's not fair" mindset. More than anything, I want what is best for the children of Ethiopia. I never want them to be improperly placed. I'm just so frustrated that because someone wasn't doing things the right way all of the families are having to suffer. After waiting for almost 4 1/2 years to be a mom, I was so excited. I had allowed myself to start looking at baby stuff, thinking about our registry. People had started to buy us little gifts. I was planning next school year with the thoughts "what will that mean for our child? how will that affect me as a mom?" at the forefront of my decisions. This is going to sound weird but my arms used to literally ache with emptiness as we dealt with our infertility issues. That was gone, I hadn't experienced it since getting involved in Togo and having the life breathed back into me through strengthened faith. These past 2 days, that ache is back. My faith is still strong but the thought of having to wait years, breaks my heart. I've reverted back to how I was feeling a year ago, crying as I leave baby showers (of course, there was one today) and feeling pain in my heart whenever I see babies or pregnant bellies. We are trying to get answers as we get ready to submit our dossier (the celebration of that being totally done doesn't even seem to matter right now) but basically all we keep hearing is "we don't know yet." I know that things move slower over there than they do here and that right now, no matter how fast they move it doesn't seem fast enough. I know that everything happens in God's time and there is nothing I can do to speed that up. I know that His plan is what is best for us. I know that making the process more efficient, effective, and safe for the children of Ethiopia is what is needed. I know that there are couples that wait even longer than we have and will wait. I'm feeling selfish. I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of having NO control over this when it is so easy for others. I'm sick of hurting.
We have a scheduled conference call with our family coordinator this week. We are hoping she will be reassuring and that she'll be able to answer some of our questions. I could write for another 3 hours about all of the frustrations I've had at people's responses to this crisis (IE.- getting asked "why don't you just switch and do domestic?") but I won't- that would open up all kinds of issues! I will post again soon with more details on why things have slowed down and what exactly is going on. The bottom line- they don't know how long the wait will be, they don't know what it will mean for us yet, but they are hopeful and still believe in the Ethiopia program. Please pray for MOWCYA (the organization in Ethiopia that matches children with families) and their government to have the wisdom to make decisions in the best interest of the children, the workers at AWAA to be able to assist all the families that are struggling with what to do, for the families that are dealing with the unknown, and for Justin and I to have clarity about what He wants us to do.
Love you all,
I know that everything happens in God's timing and that there is a reason in His plan for all of this but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to feel so close and then realize how far. I'm kind of stuck in an "it's not fair" mindset. More than anything, I want what is best for the children of Ethiopia. I never want them to be improperly placed. I'm just so frustrated that because someone wasn't doing things the right way all of the families are having to suffer. After waiting for almost 4 1/2 years to be a mom, I was so excited. I had allowed myself to start looking at baby stuff, thinking about our registry. People had started to buy us little gifts. I was planning next school year with the thoughts "what will that mean for our child? how will that affect me as a mom?" at the forefront of my decisions. This is going to sound weird but my arms used to literally ache with emptiness as we dealt with our infertility issues. That was gone, I hadn't experienced it since getting involved in Togo and having the life breathed back into me through strengthened faith. These past 2 days, that ache is back. My faith is still strong but the thought of having to wait years, breaks my heart. I've reverted back to how I was feeling a year ago, crying as I leave baby showers (of course, there was one today) and feeling pain in my heart whenever I see babies or pregnant bellies. We are trying to get answers as we get ready to submit our dossier (the celebration of that being totally done doesn't even seem to matter right now) but basically all we keep hearing is "we don't know yet." I know that things move slower over there than they do here and that right now, no matter how fast they move it doesn't seem fast enough. I know that everything happens in God's time and there is nothing I can do to speed that up. I know that His plan is what is best for us. I know that making the process more efficient, effective, and safe for the children of Ethiopia is what is needed. I know that there are couples that wait even longer than we have and will wait. I'm feeling selfish. I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of having NO control over this when it is so easy for others. I'm sick of hurting.
We have a scheduled conference call with our family coordinator this week. We are hoping she will be reassuring and that she'll be able to answer some of our questions. I could write for another 3 hours about all of the frustrations I've had at people's responses to this crisis (IE.- getting asked "why don't you just switch and do domestic?") but I won't- that would open up all kinds of issues! I will post again soon with more details on why things have slowed down and what exactly is going on. The bottom line- they don't know how long the wait will be, they don't know what it will mean for us yet, but they are hopeful and still believe in the Ethiopia program. Please pray for MOWCYA (the organization in Ethiopia that matches children with families) and their government to have the wisdom to make decisions in the best interest of the children, the workers at AWAA to be able to assist all the families that are struggling with what to do, for the families that are dealing with the unknown, and for Justin and I to have clarity about what He wants us to do.
Love you all,
Rachel
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